Lockdown Life

June 23, 2020Leave a comment

“Viral outbreak”,
“Lockdown now”,
COVID-19 times are wow.

“Social distance”,
“Elbow cough”,
Loo roll hoarders, that’s enough.

“Website queues”,
“Run out of that”,
Bang the saucepans, carers’ clap.

“Comfort eating”,
“Thanks, Joe Wicks”,
Burpees, planks, YouTube keep fit.

“Furloughed? Working?”
“Hungry” wails,
Home school teaching, epic fail.

“Virtual quiz”,
“Online drinks”,
Recycling bin of bottles’ clinks.

“Stay alert”,
“When will this end?”
Being driven round the bend.

“Playgrounds closed”
“Hair salons shut”.
Sporting make-do home haircuts.

“Constant meetings”,
“Childcare strife”,
Balance lost, of work and life.

“Hug yourself”,
“Wear PPE”,
Frontline workers’ bravery.

“Chats on doorsteps”,
“Blow a kiss”,
Family, friends we really miss.

“Time to reset”,
“Grateful for…”
Future outlook? Less is more.

Christmas children

December 6, 2018Leave a comment

Have a sing-song of this parody of Christmas Pudding to the tune of Frère Jacques. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving!

Christmas children, Christmas children,
Screaming lots! Screaming lots!
Confiscate the sugar, Confiscate the sugar,
Lose the plot! Lose the plot!

We Notice

March 11, 2018Leave a comment

We notice when you’re feeling,
That all you do is fail.
We notice how we test you,
On days of screams and wails.

We notice when you cook our food,
And get all the chores done.
We notice even when you’re low,
You still make our time fun.

We notice when you’re tired,
How you push on through the day.
We notice how you teach us,
And think up games to play.

We notice how you make a house,
Into our cosy home.
We notice how you make us laugh,
And never feel alone.

We notice how you can become,
Your own worst enemy.
We notice what an awesome mum,
You are so naturally.

We notice how you sacrifice,
To fill our days with love.
We notice how you always go,
Over and above.

We notice how you strive,
To be better every day.
Please notice and please listen,
There’s something we must say.

Next time you find you doubt yourself;
A message from your crew.
Know this; you bring us endless joy,
Just by being you.

To us, you’re simply perfect,
Never putting yourself first.
To us, you are the best mum,
In this whole universe.

Threadworms In Our Bodies, an Ed Sheeran Parody

November 24, 2017January 30, 2018Leave a comment

Sing this one along to the chorus of Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape Of You’

What’s that wriggling in your poo?
Wipe and flush. Does your bum itch too?
Back to Boots now all of you
We’ve got worms in our bodies
And last night you slept in my room
So now my sheets need washing too
Every day we got infestations new
Got threadworms in our bodies
Oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah
We’ve got worms in our bodies

Hopes for a World Without “Me Too”

October 17, 2017October 18, 2017Leave a comment

Dear Daughter,

One day I hope you’ll never read a feed full of “me too”
When harassment isn’t something that a man would dream to do.

One day I hope you’ll walk without wolf whistles on the street.
Never groped and pulled and pinched as if you’re just a piece of meat.

One day I hope, no question, you’re admired for your work.
Gender gaps will not exist; you’ll get the pay your role deserves.

One day I hope that you are respected for the power of your mind.
Not judged by your appearance or the curve of your behind.

One day I hope around the world, strong women are what you see.
I hope as a generation you embrace equality.

Lice Up Your Life, A Parody

October 5, 20172 Comments

[MANTAIN SANITY LEVELS NEXT TIME YOU’RE NIT-PICKING: SING THIS TO THE TUNE ‘SPICE UP YOUR LIFE’ BY THE SPICE GIRLS !]

When you’re feelin’ tired and slow
Kids can push your boundaries to new lows
Screamin’, shoutin’, loo covered in wee
One more thing saps positivity…

Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Husband’s run to Timbuktu
Kids tonight it’s me and you
Kung Fu Panda
Frozen Queen
Ninja Turtle
And treats for bribery

Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Prosecco
Lambrini
‘Cos treatment ain’t easy
We sweep through the long locks
Then stay bright and breezy

Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Eureka…

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Nit free?
I see ya!
Damn right!

The School Field’s Grass is Greener

September 19, 2017September 19, 2017Leave a comment

“I want to go to school.
Nursery kids are all too young.
I want to learn to read and write.
School will be more fun.”

“I’m really bored at pre-school.
Where all I do is play.
I need answers to my questions.
Wear a uniform each day.”

“Yay, finally it’s here!
The day I go to school.
It feels so good to get in line.
I’m looking smart and cool.”

Three days later…

“Done with school now.
I wish I could just play.
I have to sit still on the mat.
Do I really go each day?”

“I’m going back to nursery.
I know how to read and write.
I’m feeling very tired now.
It’s hard to be polite.”

A first lesson learned it seems.
Work gets harder. Life gets meaner.
And sadly, no you can’t go back.
Grass isn’t always greener.

Closer

September 6, 2017September 6, 2017Leave a comment

That’s one night closer to the night that you sleep through.
That’s one less night of sleepy snuggles and love you’s.

That’s one walk closer to the day I’m buggy-free.
That’s one less hands-aloft “Mummy cuddle me”.

That’s one number closer to you counting up to ten.
That’s one less day of us playing ‘let’s pretend’.

That’s one year closer to the time that you’ll start school.
That’s one less year of you seeming oh-so-small.

That’s one mess closer to you staying all-day dry.
That’s one less ringing out “Mum, I need you” cry.

That’s one fight closer till there’s no more “will this end?”
That’s one less row to “my brother’s my best friend”.

That’s one wish closer towards wishing life away.
That’s one less moment until “those were the days”.

Surfing Grief Waves

August 9, 2017August 9, 2017Leave a comment

You’re focussed on horizons,
It’s been years. You’re doing well.
These rip tides are deceptive,
Loss lurks as sounds and smells.

Sometimes grief waves catch you out,
They knock you from behind.
Surprising, unexpected,
Something’s come and hit rewind.

Your surfboard’s poised and ready,
Yet your heart is breaking still.
You’ve tried your best to carry on,
Of tears, you’ve had your fill.

Be kind now and accept these pesky
Grief waves knock you down.
But slowly, surely time helps heal,
You’ll feel more smiles than frowns.

Life can never be the same,
It’s a different kind of you.
But stars shine in the darkness,
And rainbows turn dark skies blue.

Get back up and grab that surfboard,
Face the fear and ride those waves.
You can survive. You will survive.
Stand tall. Stay strong. Be brave.

Never Say Never

July 11, 2017July 11, 2017Leave a comment

You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.

With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…

“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”

“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”

“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”

“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”

“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”

“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”

“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”

“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”

“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”

“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”

“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”

“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”

…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.

One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.

Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!