Never Say Never

You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.

With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…

“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”

“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”

“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”

“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”

“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”

“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”

“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”

“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”

“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”

“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”

“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”

“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”

…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.

One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.

Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!

Pass Me The Valium