Category: Motherhood

We Notice

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We notice when you’re feeling,
That all you do is fail.
We notice how we test you,
On days of screams and wails.

We notice when you cook our food,
And get all the chores done.
We notice even when you’re low,
You still make our time fun.

We notice when you’re tired,
How you push on through the day.
We notice how you teach us,
And think up games to play.

We notice how you make a house,
Into our cosy home.
We notice how you make us laugh,
And never feel alone.

We notice how you can become,
Your own worst enemy.
We notice what an awesome mum,
You are so naturally.

We notice how you sacrifice,
To fill our days with love.
We notice how you always go,
Over and above.

We notice how you strive,
To be better every day.
Please notice and please listen,
There’s something we must say.

Next time you find you doubt yourself;
A message from your crew.
Know this; you bring us endless joy,
Just by being you.

To us, you’re simply perfect,
Never putting yourself first.
To us, you are the best mum,
In this whole universe.

Threadworms In Our Bodies, an Ed Sheeran Parody

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Sing this one along to the chorus of Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape Of You’

What’s that wriggling in your poo?
Wipe and flush. Does your bum itch too? 
Back to Boots now all of you
We’ve got worms in our bodies
And last night you slept in my room
So now my sheets need washing too
Every day we got infestations new
Got threadworms in our bodies
Oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah
We’ve got worms in our bodies

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Hopes for a World Without “Me Too”

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Dear Daughter,

One day I hope you’ll never read a feed full of “me too”
When harassment isn’t something that a man would dream to do.

One day I hope you’ll walk without wolf whistles on the street.
Never groped and pulled and pinched as if you’re just a piece of meat.

One day I hope, no question, you’re admired for your work.
Gender gaps will not exist; you’ll get the pay your role deserves.

One day I hope that you are respected for the power of your mind.
Not judged by your appearance or the curve of your behind.

One day I hope around the world, strong women are what you see.
I hope as a generation you embrace equality.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Lice Up Your Life, A Parody

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[MANTAIN SANITY LEVELS NEXT TIME YOU’RE NIT-PICKING: SING THIS TO THE TUNE ‘SPICE UP YOUR LIFE’ BY THE SPICE GIRLS !]

When you’re feelin’ tired and slow
Kids can push your boundaries to new lows
Screamin’, shoutin’, loo covered in wee
One more thing saps positivity…

Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Husband’s run to Timbuktu
Kids tonight it’s me and you
Kung Fu Panda
Frozen Queen
Ninja Turtle
And treats for bribery

Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Prosecco
Lambrini
‘Cos treatment ain’t easy
We sweep through the long locks
Then stay bright and breezy

Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Eureka…

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!

Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Nit free?
I see ya!
Damn right!

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

 

Closer

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That’s one night closer to the night that you sleep through.
That’s one less night of sleepy snuggles and love you’s.

That’s one walk closer to the day I’m buggy-free.
That’s one less hands-aloft “Mummy cuddle me”.

That’s one number closer to you counting up to ten.
That’s one less day of us playing ‘let’s pretend’.

That’s one year closer to the time that you’ll start school.
That’s one less year of you seeming oh-so-small.

That’s one mess closer to you staying all-day dry.
That’s one less ringing out “Mum, I need you” cry.

That’s one fight closer till there’s no more “will this end?”
That’s one less row to “my brother’s my best friend”.

That’s one wish closer towards wishing life away.
That’s one less moment until “those were the days”.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Never Say Never

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You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.

With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…

“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”

“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”

“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”

“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”

“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”

“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”

“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”

“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”

“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”

“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”

“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”

“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”

…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.

One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.

Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

It’s Time The World Got On The Naughty Step

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Living day-to-day, we think we’ve got issues.
But turn on the news and there’s real need for tissues.

No child should die naked except for a nappy.
Then splashed on the news making regimes feel happy.

Kids experiencing gunfire, chemicals and war.
And really, please tell me, what on earth is this for?

My kids are so lucky, they have no idea,
What it is to be hungry, scared and feel fear.

Human beings court destruction, corruption and pain.
And we do this again, and again, and again.

No God would justify actions like these.
So, for the love of all Gods just stop it now please.

I’m not preaching here, this is more of a rant.
Mean no more to the world than a minuscule ant.

But we’ve got to start somewhere, let’s all give a stuff.
Come on, live and let live; enough is enough.

Let’s bring up our children to be kind and to share.
In the hope that as adults they’ll live with that care.

We’re one tiny planet in one huge universe.
Shouldn’t we try to do better, not worse?

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

The Keepsake Bag

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A bag rests in the corner,
That’s reserved for all the best.
Keepsakes, memories and mementos, 
For when you’ve flown the nest.

Tops, trousers, shoes and costumes,
Some with spag bol and grass stains.
At least, when you’ve left home,
This tiny loot will still remain.

Each time I put your clothes away,
I feel a little low.
Your outgrown things look good as new;
Where did those last months go? 

A vacuum pack of treasures,
Captured as we laughed and played.
Nothing much to look at,
But too precious to give away. 

Despite your Dad’s “Jeeze, not more crap,
To pack into our loft”.
The contents of that bag someday,
Will make his heart go soft.

We’ll think it seems like yesterday,
Since you were oh so small.
Boom! In a flash, you’re all grown up,
And standing oh so tall.

To the world, that bag’s just full,
Of unsuspecting stuff.
Yet to me it’s simply priceless,
And it makes me feel dead chuffed.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

This Is Your Mother’s Day Too

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Not every Mum is plain to see,
You may exist with arms empty.
Broken heart and a pain so true,
Missing your little pink or blue.

If your child rests up in heaven,
Sometimes special cards aren’t given.
You are a mother nonetheless,
This day is tough; can feel a mess.

Right now, you want to scream or hide,
But please know this — you can survive.
Feel alone with no one knowing?
Thinking of you. Keep on going.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.