Have a sing-song of this parody of Christmas Pudding to the tune of Frère Jacques. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving!
Christmas children, Christmas children,
Screaming lots! Screaming lots!
Confiscate the sugar, Confiscate the sugar,
Lose the plot! Lose the plot!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2018.
We notice when you’re feeling,
That all you do is fail.
We notice how we test you,
On days of screams and wails.
We notice when you cook our food,
And get all the chores done.
We notice even when you’re low,
You still make our time fun.
We notice when you’re tired,
How you push on through the day.
We notice how you teach us,
And think up games to play.
We notice how you make a house,
Into our cosy home.
We notice how you make us laugh,
And never feel alone.
We notice how you can become,
Your own worst enemy.
We notice what an awesome mum,
You are so naturally.
We notice how you sacrifice,
To fill our days with love.
We notice how you always go,
Over and above.
We notice how you strive,
To be better every day.
Please notice and please listen,
There’s something we must say.
Next time you find you doubt yourself;
A message from your crew.
Know this; you bring us endless joy,
Just by being you.
To us, you’re simply perfect,
Never putting yourself first.
To us, you are the best mum,
In this whole universe.
[MANTAIN SANITY LEVELS NEXT TIME YOU’RE NIT-PICKING: SING THIS TO THE TUNE ‘SPICE UP YOUR LIFE’ BY THE SPICE GIRLS !]
When you’re feelin’ tired and slow
Kids can push your boundaries to new lows
Screamin’, shoutin’, loo covered in wee
One more thing saps positivity…
Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Husband’s run to Timbuktu
Kids tonight it’s me and you
Kung Fu Panda
Frozen Queen
Ninja Turtle
And treats for bribery
Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Prosecco
Lambrini
‘Cos treatment ain’t easy
We sweep through the long locks
Then stay bright and breezy
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Eureka…
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Nit free?
I see ya!
Damn right!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
That’s one night closer to the night that you sleep through.
That’s one less night of sleepy snuggles and love you’s.
That’s one walk closer to the day I’m buggy-free.
That’s one less hands-aloft “Mummy cuddle me”.
That’s one number closer to you counting up to ten.
That’s one less day of us playing ‘let’s pretend’.
That’s one year closer to the time that you’ll start school.
That’s one less year of you seeming oh-so-small.
That’s one mess closer to you staying all-day dry.
That’s one less ringing out “Mum, I need you” cry.
That’s one fight closer till there’s no more “will this end?”
That’s one less row to “my brother’s my best friend”.
That’s one wish closer towards wishing life away.
That’s one less moment until “those were the days”.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Twinkle, twinkle, little one.
You don’t think your car seat’s fun.
Please come here. You cannot drive.
Time to reach for biscuit bribes.
Twinkle, twinkle, little one.
Need a drink when this day’s done!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Living day-to-day, we think we’ve got issues.
But turn on the news and there’s real need for tissues.
No child should die naked except for a nappy.
Then splashed on the news making regimes feel happy.
Kids experiencing gunfire, chemicals and war.
And really, please tell me, what on earth is this for?
My kids are so lucky, they have no idea,
What it is to be hungry, scared and feel fear.
Human beings court destruction, corruption and pain.
And we do this again, and again, and again.
No God would justify actions like these.
So, for the love of all Gods just stop it now please.
I’m not preaching here, this is more of a rant.
Mean no more to the world than a minuscule ant.
But we’ve got to start somewhere, let’s all give a stuff.
Come on, live and let live; enough is enough.
Let’s bring up our children to be kind and to share.
In the hope that as adults they’ll live with that care.
We’re one tiny planet in one huge universe.
Shouldn’t we try to do better, not worse?
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
A bag rests in the corner,
That’s reserved for all the best.
Keepsakes, memories and mementos,
For when you’ve flown the nest.
Tops, trousers, shoes and costumes,
Some with spag bol and grass stains.
At least, when you’ve left home,
This tiny loot will still remain.
Each time I put your clothes away,
I feel a little low.
Your outgrown things look good as new;
Where did those last months go?
A vacuum pack of treasures,
Captured as we laughed and played.
Nothing much to look at,
But too precious to give away.
Despite your Dad’s “Jeeze, not more crap,
To pack into our loft”.
The contents of that bag someday,
Will make his heart go soft.
We’ll think it seems like yesterday,
Since you were oh so small.
Boom! In a flash, you’re all grown up,
And standing oh so tall.
To the world, that bag’s just full,
Of unsuspecting stuff.
Yet to me it’s simply priceless,
And it makes me feel dead chuffed.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
The wondrous world of Smiggle®.
Now who created that?
Shop filled high with bright, fun things,
That act like children’s Crack.
Fluff, sparkles, neon, shimmer,
And heaps of scented stuff.
It seems that if you’re six years old,
You can never have enough.
Tubs of choke-able erasers,
Garish bags that cost the earth,
Secret-pocket pencil cases,
Longed for more than life is worth.
Impossible to walk past,
Without “ooos” and looks of awe.
“Oh Mum please, let’s go inside?”
Reluctantly I mutter “sure.”
“I really need more pencils,
And everyone loves Smiggle®.”
(Though at the till not sure I see,
The parents smile and giggle).
Still, the owner must be laughing,
In the style of James Bond villains.
Skips merrily down to the bank,
Signs cheques with pens sweet-smelling.
Hands up, I am just jealous.
This store’s a genius idea.
Stock that dazzles and delights,
And flies off the shelves no fear.
So a plea to ease our niggles,
Guaranteed win-win, you know.
I suggest an in-store offer:
Complimentary Prosecco.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Tomorrow will be different:
A home of peace and love.
No worn-out cries “for pity’s sake”,
Raised eyes to Lord above.
Tomorrow will be different:
I’ll have no need to yell.
They’ll get their shoes on speedily,
We’ll make that school run bell.
Tomorrow will be different:
Their pants will stay all clean.
Won’t have to scrub poonamis,
That make my face turn green.
Tomorrow will be different:
I’ll sip hot cups of tea.
Go to the toilet on my own;
Blissful tranquility.
Tomorrow will be different:
There’ll be no fights or scraps.
No embarrassing behaviour,
Or toddler tantrum flaps.
Tomorrow will be different:
I’ll be in complete control.
No winding up, or losing plots,
No bribes of Paw Patrol.
Tomorrow will be different:
On myself, won’t be so tough.
I’ll acknowledge that I’ve tried my best.
I’ll accept that that’s enough.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
As every Mum knows,
The more effort you make,
To cook wholesome food,
There’s more chance they will hate.
Slaved over for hours,
And crafted with love?
You bet, on the floor,
It soon will be shoved.
“Tonight, lovely soup.
Great for your 5 A DAY.”
“Well, this tastes disgusting”
You’ll soon hear them say.
How about casseroles?
Veg pasta sauces?
Dream on, there’s no way
They’ll eat three hearty courses.
Nutritious meals equal
“Bleurghh, urghhh” and “Yuck!”
Looks of repulsion;
Response: “What’s this muck?”
Try as you might,
To teach them what’s good,
They long for the junk,
And a “Yum” chocolate pud.
You’d make them so happy,
If you could just fix it,
To serve up a menu,
Of burgers and biscuits.
One day they’ll be foodies;
Love flavour adventure.
No frowning or moaning,
No meltdowns or censure.
So, if meal after meal,
All week you’ve been binning,
Resort to fish fingers
And feel like you’re winning.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Pass Me The Valium 