Have a sing-song of this parody of Christmas Pudding to the tune of Frère Jacques. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving!
Christmas children, Christmas children,
Screaming lots! Screaming lots!
Confiscate the sugar, Confiscate the sugar,
Lose the plot! Lose the plot!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2018.
Dear Daughter,
One day I hope you’ll never read a feed full of “me too”
When harassment isn’t something that a man would dream to do.
One day I hope you’ll walk without wolf whistles on the street.
Never groped and pulled and pinched as if you’re just a piece of meat.
One day I hope, no question, you’re admired for your work.
Gender gaps will not exist; you’ll get the pay your role deserves.
One day I hope that you are respected for the power of your mind.
Not judged by your appearance or the curve of your behind.
One day I hope around the world, strong women are what you see.
I hope as a generation you embrace equality.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
[MANTAIN SANITY LEVELS NEXT TIME YOU’RE NIT-PICKING: SING THIS TO THE TUNE ‘SPICE UP YOUR LIFE’ BY THE SPICE GIRLS !]
When you’re feelin’ tired and slow
Kids can push your boundaries to new lows
Screamin’, shoutin’, loo covered in wee
One more thing saps positivity…
Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Husband’s run to Timbuktu
Kids tonight it’s me and you
Kung Fu Panda
Frozen Queen
Ninja Turtle
And treats for bribery
Children of the world
Lice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Lice up you life!
Parents of the world
Lice up your life!
Arghhhhh!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Critters
I see ya!
Damn right!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Prosecco
Lambrini
‘Cos treatment ain’t easy
We sweep through the long locks
Then stay bright and breezy
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Scratch it, scratch it, scratch it
Head lice!
Eureka…
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Full Marks
Comb down!
Scratch it to the left
We’re not having a good time
Itch it to the right
Please tell me we’ve got wine?
Sit still to the front
Nit free?
I see ya!
Damn right!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
“I want to go to school.
Nursery kids are all too young.
I want to learn to read and write.
School will be more fun.”
“I’m really bored at pre-school.
Where all I do is play.
I need answers to my questions.
Wear a uniform each day.”
“Yay, finally it’s here!
The day I go to school.
It feels so good to get in line.
I’m looking smart and cool.”
Three days later…
“Done with school now.
I wish I could just play.
I have to sit still on the mat.
Do I really go each day?”
“I’m going back to nursery.
I know how to read and write.
I’m feeling very tired now.
It’s hard to be polite.”
A first lesson learned it seems.
Work gets harder. Life gets meaner.
And sadly, no you can’t go back.
Grass isn’t always greener.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
That’s one night closer to the night that you sleep through.
That’s one less night of sleepy snuggles and love you’s.
That’s one walk closer to the day I’m buggy-free.
That’s one less hands-aloft “Mummy cuddle me”.
That’s one number closer to you counting up to ten.
That’s one less day of us playing ‘let’s pretend’.
That’s one year closer to the time that you’ll start school.
That’s one less year of you seeming oh-so-small.
That’s one mess closer to you staying all-day dry.
That’s one less ringing out “Mum, I need you” cry.
That’s one fight closer till there’s no more “will this end?”
That’s one less row to “my brother’s my best friend”.
That’s one wish closer towards wishing life away.
That’s one less moment until “those were the days”.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.
With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…
“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”
“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”
“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”
“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”
“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”
“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”
“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”
“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”
“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”
“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”
“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”
“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”
…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.
One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.
Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Living day-to-day, we think we’ve got issues.
But turn on the news and there’s real need for tissues.
No child should die naked except for a nappy.
Then splashed on the news making regimes feel happy.
Kids experiencing gunfire, chemicals and war.
And really, please tell me, what on earth is this for?
My kids are so lucky, they have no idea,
What it is to be hungry, scared and feel fear.
Human beings court destruction, corruption and pain.
And we do this again, and again, and again.
No God would justify actions like these.
So, for the love of all Gods just stop it now please.
I’m not preaching here, this is more of a rant.
Mean no more to the world than a minuscule ant.
But we’ve got to start somewhere, let’s all give a stuff.
Come on, live and let live; enough is enough.
Let’s bring up our children to be kind and to share.
In the hope that as adults they’ll live with that care.
We’re one tiny planet in one huge universe.
Shouldn’t we try to do better, not worse?
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
A bag rests in the corner,
That’s reserved for all the best.
Keepsakes, memories and mementos,
For when you’ve flown the nest.
Tops, trousers, shoes and costumes,
Some with spag bol and grass stains.
At least, when you’ve left home,
This tiny loot will still remain.
Each time I put your clothes away,
I feel a little low.
Your outgrown things look good as new;
Where did those last months go?
A vacuum pack of treasures,
Captured as we laughed and played.
Nothing much to look at,
But too precious to give away.
Despite your Dad’s “Jeeze, not more crap,
To pack into our loft”.
The contents of that bag someday,
Will make his heart go soft.
We’ll think it seems like yesterday,
Since you were oh so small.
Boom! In a flash, you’re all grown up,
And standing oh so tall.
To the world, that bag’s just full,
Of unsuspecting stuff.
Yet to me it’s simply priceless,
And it makes me feel dead chuffed.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Each night I clock in:
3 A.M. without fail.
Thanks to a cry,
A cough or a wail.
Up changing bed sheets,
Or making night feeds.
World’s most patient hostess,
Of V.I.P needs.
Cold air cramps my neck,
Bum numb on the floor,
Eyes shutting, head drooping,
“Please sleep” I implore.
Now expert at back rubs,
Patting and “hush”
Reminding myself,
This will pass soon enough.
One day they will sleep,
There’ll be no pitch-black cuddles.
No mopping of brows,
No cleaning up puddles.
No reaching for Calpol,
And Neurofen too.
No surprise vomits,
Or exploding poos.
Weirdly I’ll miss this,
Once home’s filled with snores.
I won’t be so needed.
And then I’ll want more!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
The wondrous world of Smiggle®.
Now who created that?
Shop filled high with bright, fun things,
That act like children’s Crack.
Fluff, sparkles, neon, shimmer,
And heaps of scented stuff.
It seems that if you’re six years old,
You can never have enough.
Tubs of choke-able erasers,
Garish bags that cost the earth,
Secret-pocket pencil cases,
Longed for more than life is worth.
Impossible to walk past,
Without “ooos” and looks of awe.
“Oh Mum please, let’s go inside?”
Reluctantly I mutter “sure.”
“I really need more pencils,
And everyone loves Smiggle®.”
(Though at the till not sure I see,
The parents smile and giggle).
Still, the owner must be laughing,
In the style of James Bond villains.
Skips merrily down to the bank,
Signs cheques with pens sweet-smelling.
Hands up, I am just jealous.
This store’s a genius idea.
Stock that dazzles and delights,
And flies off the shelves no fear.
So a plea to ease our niggles,
Guaranteed win-win, you know.
I suggest an in-store offer:
Complimentary Prosecco.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Pass Me The Valium 