Christmas children

Have a sing-song of this parody of Christmas Pudding to the tune of Frère Jacques. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving!

Christmas children, Christmas children,
Screaming lots! Screaming lots!
Confiscate the sugar, Confiscate the sugar,
Lose the plot! Lose the plot!

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2018.

Hopes for a World Without “Me Too”

Dear Daughter,

One day I hope you’ll never read a feed full of “me too”
When harassment isn’t something that a man would dream to do.

One day I hope you’ll walk without wolf whistles on the street.
Never groped and pulled and pinched as if you’re just a piece of meat.

One day I hope, no question, you’re admired for your work.
Gender gaps will not exist; you’ll get the pay your role deserves.

One day I hope that you are respected for the power of your mind.
Not judged by your appearance or the curve of your behind.

One day I hope around the world, strong women are what you see.
I hope as a generation you embrace equality.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

The School Field’s Grass is Greener

“I want to go to school.
Nursery kids are all too young.
I want to learn to read and write.
School will be more fun.”

“I’m really bored at pre-school.
Where all I do is play.
I need answers to my questions.
Wear a uniform each day.”

“Yay, finally it’s here!
The day I go to school.
It feels so good to get in line.
I’m looking smart and cool.”

Three days later…

“Done with school now.
I wish I could just play.
I have to sit still on the mat.
Do I really go each day?”

“I’m going back to nursery.
I know how to read and write.
I’m feeling very tired now.
It’s hard to be polite.”

A first lesson learned it seems.
Work gets harder. Life gets meaner.
And sadly, no you can’t go back.
Grass isn’t always greener.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Closer

That’s one night closer to the night that you sleep through.
That’s one less night of sleepy snuggles and love you’s.

That’s one walk closer to the day I’m buggy-free.
That’s one less hands-aloft “Mummy cuddle me”.

That’s one number closer to you counting up to ten.
That’s one less day of us playing ‘let’s pretend’.

That’s one year closer to the time that you’ll start school.
That’s one less year of you seeming oh-so-small.

That’s one mess closer to you staying all-day dry.
That’s one less ringing out “Mum, I need you” cry.

That’s one fight closer till there’s no more “will this end?”
That’s one less row to “my brother’s my best friend”.

That’s one wish closer towards wishing life away.
That’s one less moment until “those were the days”.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Never Say Never

You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.

With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…

“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”

“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”

“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”

“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”

“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”

“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”

“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”

“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”

“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”

“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”

“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”

“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”

…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.

One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.

Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

Today is the day.

Today is the day that we woke up and cried.
Today is the day we lost innocent lives.
Again and again, acts of hate so it seems.
Does a world of pure peace just exist in our dreams?

But no, I don’t buy it, it can’t be that tough.
To choose love over hate, even when times get rough.
There’s no afterlife for killing kids, mums and dads,
I reckon that makes any God think you’re bad.

“Look for the helpers” is amazing advice.
Look for those loving, and caring and nice.
The ones that stand fighting, that don’t run away.
The everyday heroes, that will save this day.

I don’t want my kids to watch gigs on their phones,
Scared of the outside and scared to leave home.
So no, we won’t stop. We will not let hate win.
We’ll live life to the fullest. We’ll never give in.

Go to concerts, love music, dance and have pride.
Let’s be lucky and thankful. Feel truly alive.
Today is the day determination sets in.
Today is the day that we show pure love wins.

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.

The Friends of Legend

Not every superhero,
Wears a cape for all to see.
Some save the day and make things right,
Super stealthily.                                 

Legend friends you can rely on.
There’ll be there through thick and thin.      
A pull no punches powerhouse,
That won’t let you give in.                             

They swoop in armed with cups of tea,
Just in the nick of time.                     
With X-Ray vision;
See right through your claims “I’m doing fine”.                   

To the rescue!
In a flash, they combat your despair.                             
Superhumans, bringers of peace,
Through strength, love, hugs and care.  

You marvel at your trusted circle,
Of avenger friends.                            
Who build you up and help you find,
Your badass self again.                                 

Thank you to my heroes.
You standby so steadfastly.                                      
I endeavour to be half the friend,
That you have been to me.                

© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.