Have a sing-song of this parody of Christmas Pudding to the tune of Frère Jacques. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving!
Christmas children, Christmas children,
Screaming lots! Screaming lots!
Confiscate the sugar, Confiscate the sugar,
Lose the plot! Lose the plot!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2018.
We notice when you’re feeling,
That all you do is fail.
We notice how we test you,
On days of screams and wails.
We notice when you cook our food,
And get all the chores done.
We notice even when you’re low,
You still make our time fun.
We notice when you’re tired,
How you push on through the day.
We notice how you teach us,
And think up games to play.
We notice how you make a house,
Into our cosy home.
We notice how you make us laugh,
And never feel alone.
We notice how you can become,
Your own worst enemy.
We notice what an awesome mum,
You are so naturally.
We notice how you sacrifice,
To fill our days with love.
We notice how you always go,
Over and above.
We notice how you strive,
To be better every day.
Please notice and please listen,
There’s something we must say.
Next time you find you doubt yourself;
A message from your crew.
Know this; you bring us endless joy,
Just by being you.
To us, you’re simply perfect,
Never putting yourself first.
To us, you are the best mum,
In this whole universe.
What’s that wriggling in your poo?
Wipe and flush. Does your bum itch too?
Back to Boots now all of you
We’ve got worms in our bodies
And last night you slept in my room
So now my sheets need washing too
Every day we got infestations new
Got threadworms in our bodies
Oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah-oo-ah
We’ve got worms in our bodies
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Dear Daughter,
One day I hope you’ll never read a feed full of “me too”
When harassment isn’t something that a man would dream to do.
One day I hope you’ll walk without wolf whistles on the street.
Never groped and pulled and pinched as if you’re just a piece of meat.
One day I hope, no question, you’re admired for your work.
Gender gaps will not exist; you’ll get the pay your role deserves.
One day I hope that you are respected for the power of your mind.
Not judged by your appearance or the curve of your behind.
One day I hope around the world, strong women are what you see.
I hope as a generation you embrace equality.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
You watch mums with their kids,
Before a baby’s in your tum.
So quick to think you’re different,
And know how it should be done.
With head full of aspirations;
Motherhood must be a breeze.
You don’t picture all the vomit,
Nits, threadworms and poos and wees…
“They will never sleep in my bed,
I won’t shush-pat on their floor.
My arms won’t jam in cot bars;
Won’t sneak out, commando crawl.”
“They will sleep right through till 7,
And lie in at the weekends.
We’ll maintain a strict routine,
Gina Ford will be my friend.”
“Breastfeeding will come easy;
It’s natural after all.
I’ll never reach for dummies,
Sterilisers or bottles.”
“Every minute I’ll feel happy,
I could never feel alone.
And plastic won’t take over,
Our minimalist home.”
“We’ll get around a weekly shop,
With cheer and smiles and coos.
My child will not suck trolley bars,
Or munch on unpaid food.”
“They’ll all adore their dinner,
I’ll never make them different teas.
They’ll eat main before their pudding;
I won’t resort to bribery.”
“There’ll be no need for TV;
Get bored? There’s just no way!
They’ll never fight, or high-pitched scream;
Love independent play.”
“They won’t rip open presents,
And then ask, ‘Are there some more?’
They’ll never say I hate you,
Shout, scream or slam their door.”
“They’ll always have good manners,
And mind their p’s and q’s.
They will always be good sportsmen,
And not wail if they should lose.”
“Homework will be a doddle;
To learn they’ll be so keen.
They’ll take pride in their appearance;
Always keep their bedroom clean.”
“They’ll never make me cringe.
Or make me want to cry.
I’ll have never-ending patience,
And all the answers to their ‘Why?’s”
“I will always ooze such calm,
And be in complete control.
Despite the hardest job,
I won’t begrudge no mums’ payroll.”
…So, of course, I was deluded,
In my life before a mum.
Turns out it’s not rose-tinted.
But it’s true it’s mostly fun.
One thing that’s as imagined,
Is that mums will always try,
To be the very best they can,
To help their young ones fly.
Next time you see a mum,
Who’s finding motherhood a struggle;
Let her know you understand,
And give the gift of verbal cuddle!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Dad, you were the very
First man in my life.
I’m certain I’ve caused you
A fair bit of strife.
Toddler tantrums and strops
(I now understand!)
Yet my tempers soon quelled
With a hold of your hand.
Infamous Dad jokes,
Magic and games.
Swingball rally records,
Again and again.
Sports day on the sidelines,
Cheering on, looking proud.
Where your good advice rang
Through my head clear and loud:
“It’s not about winning,
It’s about taking part.”
“You know you can do it;
No such word as can’t.”
Puberty, hormones,
And teenage-angst tears.
You judged how to calm me
And banish my fears.
And then my nights out
When I didn’t come home.
In the days before texting
And fancy smartphones.
You trusted the choices
I made would be good.
Perhaps much more
Than I ever could.
I fell well and true for
The love of my life.
And you gave me away
To become his wife.
A promotion to Grandad!
Gave you more (toddler) grief.
King of bedtime stories;
Witching hour relief.
The most positive man
That I’ve ever known.
An inspiration for sure,
With a rebellious tone.
Dad, thanks for the laughter,
The hugs and the fun.
This Father’s Day,
You are my number one x
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Twinkle, twinkle, little one.
You don’t think your car seat’s fun.
Please come here. You cannot drive.
Time to reach for biscuit bribes.
Twinkle, twinkle, little one.
Need a drink when this day’s done!
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Living day-to-day, we think we’ve got issues.
But turn on the news and there’s real need for tissues.
No child should die naked except for a nappy.
Then splashed on the news making regimes feel happy.
Kids experiencing gunfire, chemicals and war.
And really, please tell me, what on earth is this for?
My kids are so lucky, they have no idea,
What it is to be hungry, scared and feel fear.
Human beings court destruction, corruption and pain.
And we do this again, and again, and again.
No God would justify actions like these.
So, for the love of all Gods just stop it now please.
I’m not preaching here, this is more of a rant.
Mean no more to the world than a minuscule ant.
But we’ve got to start somewhere, let’s all give a stuff.
Come on, live and let live; enough is enough.
Let’s bring up our children to be kind and to share.
In the hope that as adults they’ll live with that care.
We’re one tiny planet in one huge universe.
Shouldn’t we try to do better, not worse?
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
A bag rests in the corner,
That’s reserved for all the best.
Keepsakes, memories and mementos,
For when you’ve flown the nest.
Tops, trousers, shoes and costumes,
Some with spag bol and grass stains.
At least, when you’ve left home,
This tiny loot will still remain.
Each time I put your clothes away,
I feel a little low.
Your outgrown things look good as new;
Where did those last months go?
A vacuum pack of treasures,
Captured as we laughed and played.
Nothing much to look at,
But too precious to give away.
Despite your Dad’s “Jeeze, not more crap,
To pack into our loft”.
The contents of that bag someday,
Will make his heart go soft.
We’ll think it seems like yesterday,
Since you were oh so small.
Boom! In a flash, you’re all grown up,
And standing oh so tall.
To the world, that bag’s just full,
Of unsuspecting stuff.
Yet to me it’s simply priceless,
And it makes me feel dead chuffed.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
The wondrous world of Smiggle®.
Now who created that?
Shop filled high with bright, fun things,
That act like children’s Crack.
Fluff, sparkles, neon, shimmer,
And heaps of scented stuff.
It seems that if you’re six years old,
You can never have enough.
Tubs of choke-able erasers,
Garish bags that cost the earth,
Secret-pocket pencil cases,
Longed for more than life is worth.
Impossible to walk past,
Without “ooos” and looks of awe.
“Oh Mum please, let’s go inside?”
Reluctantly I mutter “sure.”
“I really need more pencils,
And everyone loves Smiggle®.”
(Though at the till not sure I see,
The parents smile and giggle).
Still, the owner must be laughing,
In the style of James Bond villains.
Skips merrily down to the bank,
Signs cheques with pens sweet-smelling.
Hands up, I am just jealous.
This store’s a genius idea.
Stock that dazzles and delights,
And flies off the shelves no fear.
So a plea to ease our niggles,
Guaranteed win-win, you know.
I suggest an in-store offer:
Complimentary Prosecco.
© Pass Me The Valium and passmethevalium.com, 2017.
Pass Me The Valium 